It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine

If you live on the East Coast, and don’t live under a rock on the East Coast, what I’m about to tell you should come as no surprise:

 

FRANKENSTORM IS HEADED RIGHT FOR US!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
 

Outlook not so good

 

That’s the message from the National Weather Service and National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration. Everyone from Virginia to Nova Scotia, and as far west as Pittsburgh and West Virginia need to brace for impact. Not since the storm that sunk the Andrea Gail off the Grand Banks have the weather bugs been buzzing this loudly. Maybe, if we all pull through this, George Clooney and Marky Mark Wahlberg can make another movie called “The Perfect Storm 2: This time it’s personal.”

 

Pretty simple instructions

If we are to face the inevitable, and it actually is as dire as the media pundits and weather nerds say it is, then what can we really do about it? They say be prepared, and I couldn’t agree more. Flashlights, batteries, non-perishable foods, and bottled water are all commonly found in disaster preparedness kits, but in my opinion, they are missing one critical element: beer.

 

If you think about it, beer makes perfect sense. We recently discovered, thanks to glorious research, that a person can survive for quite a while on beer and water alone. A man in Iowa did it for lent last year – 46 days with nothing but food and water. Another guy in El Paso, Texas drank beer and water, and nothing else, for two weeks earlier this year. So it’s pretty clear that one can survive on beer.

 

Not only that, but beer tends to lend itself towards having fun, and if it’s all doom and gloom outside, a fun-inducing drink inside might go a long way towards morale. Beer also leads to forgetfulness, which could be advantageous if things get really bad. Finally, beer makes you sleepy, and sleeping through the storm would obviously not be a bad thing.

 

Boris Karloff has nothing on this storm

Clearly, you’re going to need a lot of beer, depending on the duration of the storm. You would think that this would be an ideal time to lift my ban on fizzy, corn-based, industrial swill beer, so that I could get as much beer as possible for as cheap as possible, but you’d be wrong. The problem with cheap beer is that it lacks the vitamins and nutrients that beer made the right way has. If survival is your thing, this beer simply won’t cut it. If drunken stupor is your thing, you’ll get there a lot faster with good beer. Not only that, but if that is the sound of inevitability we hear outside, and we are all about to cease to be, do you really want your last moments on Earth to be spent drinking bad beer? Me either.

 

And if money is a concern, it shouldn’t be… you can’t take it with you folks, you might as well spend it on beer.

 

What if the power goes out and the fridge isn’t cold?

 

Great point. Add a few bags of ice to your disaster preparedness shopping list and dump them into a cooler where you can put the beer to keep it cold. Obviously, the larger the cooler, the more ice you’ll need, but the more beer you can keep cold at the same time. Also, if your beer is in cans, it will chill faster. Just a thought.

 

One possible scenario

What if the gusting hurricane force winds blow the cooler away?

 

If you have to keep your cooler outside, chain it down, or simply move it inside so that’s no longer a concern.

 

What if I run out of beer in the middle of the storm?

 

The first thing I will say is that you obviously weren’t prepared enough. You have nobody to blame for that but yourself. You do have options at this point: 1) If you have a firearm and ammunition, you could brave the elements and “acquire” more beer from your friends and neighbors. 2) If you don’t have a firearm and ammunition, you could brave the elements and beg your friends and neighbors for some beer (not as effective). 3) You could make your own beer, although the lack of power, coupled with the fact that you’re already in a storm with no beer, plus the fact that beer takes on average 6 weeks minimum to make, could prove problematic. 4) You can suck it up and wait it out.

 

What if a spaceship lands and aliens get out and steal my beer?

 

This is interesting. First of all, kudos to the aliens for landing their ship during Frankenstorm just to steal beer from a human. I like their style. But more to the point, this is another example of why having a firearm with ammunition is a good idea – add it to your disaster preparedness kit as well. If you don’t have a firearm with ammunition, you could try begging the aliens not to steal your beer (not as effective).

 

It's alive. IT'S ALIVE!!!

 

So to recap, your Frankenstorm survival kit should contain the following items:

1.      Copious amounts of good, crafty beer

2.      Enough ice to keep the above beer cold

3.      A cooler or ice chest, to contain the above ice (preferably inside or chained down)

4.      Water

5.      Flashlight with batteries

6.      Firearm with ammunition

So that’s it. With any luck, I will have the pleasure of bringing you more pearls of crafty wisdom next week. But in the event that the bell has tolled for all of us after all, know that it has been an honor writing these blog posts for all of you beer fanatics. Good luck, and keep your head down.

Here's to craft-brewed happiness... Cheers!

Beers That Go Bump In The Night

A Beer-o-Lantern (though he really should be
drinking that beer out of a glass instead of a bottle)

I know that Hallowe’en is still two weeks away. Far be it from any of us to disparage someone for leaning a bit forward on the subject of All Hallows’ Eve – after all, the department stores have been selling Hallowe’en merchandise for two months all ready, and many of them are already moving on to Christmas. So my ineffectual two-week shark jumping on the topic is hardly Earth-shattering. Besides, from a functional aspect, my writing of this blog post two weeks ahead of time will benefit those of you who are planning on throwing a Hallowe’en bash by allowing you ample time to go out and acquire the beers I am about to suggest. So there.

 

So as I just referred to, the subject of this post is Hallowe’en beers. Technically, there is no such style as “Hallowe’en,” so we are left to interpret and speculate. In my opinion, there are three different ways to approach selecting beer on a Hallowe’en theme:

 

1)      select Pumpkin Ales (obviously)

2)      select dark-colored menacing-looking beer

3)      select beers that already have a Hallowe’en-themed image and certain je ne sais quoi about them

Pumpkin Ales:

 

Obviously, as pumpkins and Jack-o-Lanterns are symbols of All Hallows’ Evening, a beer made out of pumpkins has a direct tie into any event you plan around the occasion. If you’re unfamiliar with Pumpkin Ales (see my previous blog post on them), they are quite simply ales that are brewed with real pumpkins in the mash, or pumpkin pie spices in the boil, or both. The resulting flavors and aromas are that of pumpkins and/or pumpkin pie, and are a real treat to the palate.  You’ll also find that many Pumpkin Ales have Hallowe’en themes, and so they fit into the third approach toward Hallowe’en beer selection.

 

It's good to be the King

One such Pumpkin Ale that would be a perfect addition to any Hallowe’en-themed beer flight is Southern Tier Brewing Company’s Pumking. Pumking is an Imperial Pumpkin Ale, meaning that the brewers have increased the malt levels to give the beer more weight (we call it gravity), and then added more hops in order to balance it out. In the case of the Pumking, the taste is of sweet pumpkin pie with creamy vanilla and biscuit notes behind. It is, perhaps, the best Pumpkin Ale I’ve ever tried.

 

Another great choice for Pumpkin Ale would be Avery Brewing Company’s Rumpkin. Rumpkin is a Pumpkin Ale that is aged inside fresh rum barrels, giving it oak and candied molasses notes to compliment the pumpkin and pumpkin spice flavors. She packs a wallop at over 18% ABV, which might make this beer perfect for any Hallowe’en beer business as it is not for the faint of palate and might scare people a little bit.

 

A third Pumpkin Ale that I definitely recommend is New Holland Brewing Company’s Ichabod Ale. Ichabod has a medium level of pumpkin flavors, but the one thing that makes this pumpkin unique is the cinnamon notes. It tastes like they doubled up the cinnamon and left the rest of the pumpkin pie spices alone, which gives the beer a delicious flavor profile. Plus, it has the whole Sleepy Hollow thing going for it, so it ties in nicely to Hallowe’en.

 

Dark-Colored Menacing-Looking Beer:

 

This approach to selecting Hallowe’en brews is probably the least restrictive. Pretty much any dark stout or porter will do the trick, and will definitely be a treat. Stay away from Guinness though because there is absolutely nothing Hallowe’en-ish about the jewel of the emerald isle.

 

Quote the Raven: Nevermore

One such stout that would be perfect is New Holland Brewing Company’s The Poet. The Poet is an oatmeal stout that boasts semi-sweet chocolate, oatmeal, and coffee notes in both the aroma and taste, and has a creamy consistency to it. The color is jet black and, when poured into a glass, would look quite scary. Plus, the label depicts Edgar Allen Poe’s Raven, adding to the spookiness of the entire thing.

 

Another stout that can be difficult to find, but is definitely worth the effort, is Dogfish Head Craft Brewery’s Miles Davis’ Bitches Brew. This is the Imperial Stout that Dogfish first started making in honor of the 40th anniversary of the Miles Davis album. The beer is a hybrid of three threads of imperial stout and one thread of honey beer with something called gesho root. It is bold, dark and delicious.

 

There’s another stout out there that simply must be included in this list and that is North Coast Brewing Company’s Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout. Simply put, if you like beer, coffee, and alcohol warmth, you will love this beer. Rasputin is very malty and fully loaded with roasted coffee notes. Plus, it pours dark and full of malice, with a tan colored head. This beer demands respect with its appearance alone… kind of like Chuck Norris.

 

Hallowe’en-Themed Image and a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi:

 

The third and final approach to lining-up your Hallowe’en beers is by choosing brews that already have a spooky, sinister, malevolent, wicked, or otherwise predetermination towards Hallowe’en. Many of the brews listed in the above sections have this going on, and so you already have a good list of beers to go looking for if this is the avenue you’ve chosen, but there are certainly others to consider as well.

 

Seriously, you're not worthy

One of the most recognizable beers in the national cavalcade of craftiness is Stone Brewing Company’s Arrogant Bastard. As with all of the Stone beers, this bottle features a gargoyle, already lending itself towards your goals. The beer pours dark, not as dark as a stout, and packs a serious punch in terms of weight and flavor profile. If you are able to find it, look for the Stone Double Bastard, which is essentially an imperial version of their Arrogant Bastard.  Though as a word of caution, be careful with the Double Bastard – one can be enough to put down even the most stalwart beer aficionado.

 

Another great choice would be Wychwood Brewery’s Hobgoblin Ale. Hobgoblin is a very drinkable beer with great flavors and aromas. It is not heavy, not super-alcoholic, and not overly hoppy. It is just a very enjoyable beer. And it has a creepy looking hobgoblin on the label to complete the Hallowe’en connection.

 

One more perfect selection for an All Hallows’ Eve inspired beer offering is Rogue Brewing Company’s Dead Guy Ale. Dead Guy is a complex Helles Maibock with sweet caramel notes and a perfect hop balance. It is very drinkable and enjoyable, and Grateful Dead fans will enjoy the label art as well.

 

Please enjoy Hallowe'en responsibly

So now you have a pretty good list of brews to go looking for during the two weeks leading up to Hallowe’en. Whether you’re throwing a party and want to offer Hallowe’en inspired beers, or are just looking for something spooky to drink while you entertain waves of trick-or-treaters looking for candy, these beers won’t steer you wrong. This is certainly not a comprehensive list by any means, and you don’t even have to subscribe to my methods for defining what makes a beer Hallowe’en-ish. Use this list, or use your imagination… have fun with it. Happy Hallowe’en.

 

Here's to craft-brewed happiness... Cheers!

Drunken Adventure on the Heavy Seas

ExtrAARGHdinary Beers

Part of the joy of choosing to drink crafty beer is the adventures that always seem to go hand-in-hand with the drinking. Adventures, of course, lead to stories, and stories are how we humans pass our experiences and life lessons on to each other and future generations. A recently made acquaintance, and partner in the beer brewing industry, Hugh Sisson, likes to say “Sailors tell stories… Pyrates make legends!”

 

What does that quote have to do with anything? I gave you that quote because Hugh is the founder and owner of Clipper City Brewing Company in Baltimore, which is where the Heavy Seas fleet of beers is made. A few weeks ago, I set out on an adventure to his brewery, and here is my account.

 

The whole thing started with the wild beer-obsessed pizza-heads at Brixx Wood Fired Pizza in Woodbridge, VA. I know I’ve told about these guys before, but it bears repeating. Brixx is one of the few restaurants in the Woodbridge area that has a really good beer menu. They usually have in the neighborhood of 32 different beers on tap, and most of them are craft beers. Not only that, Brixx has what they call their Masters of Beer Appreciation (or MBA) degree, in which patrons can get credit for trying all of the beers they offer, as well as enjoying some organized extra-curricular activities with the Brixx gang. If you complete your beer checklist, you “receive your degree” and reap further rewards and legendary status.

 

Owner, Hugh Sisson, in
the brew house

This quest to Heavy Seas started out as one of the afore-mentioned extra-curricular activities. I met up with the Brixx gang, as well as other thirsty beer drinkers, which included my friend Billy (not his real name), at the restaurant on a Saturday afternoon and had a pint of Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. After engaging in malt-fueled discussions that were relevant to the topics of the day, 50 of us loaded up a party bus of sorts and began our voyage north to Baltimore, Maryland, or as the locals call it, “Balmer.”

 

The ride up was not your average bus ride, as the majority of the riders had been pre-gaming, and many of them continued to engage in copious beer drinking while en route. Needless to say, the crowd was raucous to say the least.

 

An hour and a half or so after departing from Woodbridge, we arrived at the Clipper City Brewery, located in the warehouse district south of Baltimore city. From the outside, the place resembled a generic looking warehouse, but it had a big Heavy Seas sign hanging next to the door. Upon entering the tap room/gift shop, we were given a Heavy Seas pint glass and five tokens, each one good for four ounces of beer. They had seven beers available in their tap room, including their Loose Cannon Hop3 IPA, Peg Leg Imperial Stout, Marzen Bier, Gold Ale, Plank II Dopplebock, Small Craft Warning Uber Pils, and a cask aged Loose Cannon Hop3 IPA. That cask-aged Hop3 IPA was sublime.

 

Stainless steel giants

After a few minutes of settling in, and drinking beer, the owner of the joint, Hugh Sisson, who had apparently been there all along wandering around the crowd and sizing us up, piped up. He launched into a well-rehearsed soliloquy, welcoming us to his brewery and setting the mood for the impending tour. It was obvious that he had given this tour, and had delivered his speech countless times before, and that he really enjoyed doing it.

 

We then proceeded into the brewery (I stopped by the taps first and got a refill) and found ourselves inside a daunting labyrinth of stainless steel. Fermenters, conicals, mash tuns, lauter tuns, whirlpools, and bright tanks all towered above and seemed to stretch to the heavens. Pipes, tubes and hoses wove in and around the various vessels like branches in a dense forest. I can’t speak for everyone in the tour, but I was like a kid in a candy store.

 

Hugh showed us the bottling line, the fermenters, the kiln, and the brew house. He also showed the newly acquired section of the brewery where his casking operation will be housed. According to the man himself, casking is going to be the future of Heavy Seas, and he plans on making his company the East Coast’s leader in cask-aged beer. Exciting stuff.

 

The Jolly Roger flies over
the bottling line

There was also an opportunity to get our hands on hops and malted grain. The grain was delicious, and the hops smelled wonderful. Note: If you ever go on a brewery tour, and someone gives you hops to hold in your hand, DO NOT eat them. Hops make beer delicious, but eating them straight will most likely make you sick.

 

When it was all said and done, we ended up back in the tap room and gift shop – the mark of a good tour is that it ends where there is an opportunity to spend money. I quickly spent my remaining tokens on the cask-aged Hop3 IPA, bought an additional pint glass and a t-shirt, rapped with Hugh about the brewing industry for a few minutes, and then boarded the bus back to Virginia. The bus was a lot more rowdy on the way home as people had plenty of Heavy Seas beer to keep them well lubricated on the way home. We arrived in Woodbridge an hour and half or so later, and that was the end.

 

All in all, it was a pretty cool adventure, as most adventures that revolve around beer are. I recommend the Heavy Seas Brewery tour to anyone who lives in the greater DC Metro area, and if you don’t, go on a tour of your local breweries. They are all similar, but no two breweries are the same, and they’re always a good time. Plus, beer is delicious, and drinking it always gives you a good story – maybe even a legend – to tell.

 

Here’s to craft-brewed happiness… Cheers!

Snobbery vs. Nerd-dom: A Connoisseur’s Lament

It has come to my attention, though it pains me to say, that not everyone in the world wants to drink crafty beer. Some of the unenlightened are not ignorant to the wonderful brews that make up the craft beer galaxy, but have been shown a better existence, and for whatever reason, consciously choose industrial corn-based yellow fizzy swill beer. Some of them claim to have “simple” tastes, while others claim a financially inspired defense. But for whatever reason, these unfortunate souls have made their bed, and now choose to drink bad beer in it. I suppose you can lead a horse to good beer, but you can’t make him drink it.

 

This cracks me up

As much as this revelation pains me to accept, perhaps even more vexing is the fact that some beer plebes harbor resentment for those of us who are enlightened, due mostly to a perceived snobbery that we exhibit towards them and their beer choices. I have been acutely aware for many years that “beer snobs” do exist, and I have fiercely maintained that I am not one of them, but rather, I am a “beer nerd.” I am obsessed and compulsive about beer, and I admit it, but I would never pass judgment (at least not openly) upon someone for choosing inferior beer.

 

So where do you draw the line between looking down your nose at those who prefer bad beer and being a touch persnickety when it comes to choosing which malted-grain-based beverage to enjoy? Perhaps it has everything to do with whether you’ve ever used the word “persnickety” in a sentence. Or perhaps there is a logical way to separate snobs and nerds.

 

Let’s check the Urban Dictionary:

 

Because anything that is worth anything in today’s day and age has to have an Urban Dictionary entry, and it just so happens that “Beer Snob” does:

1)      Those individuals who regard any beer that they do not drink as <insert 4 legged mammal here> piss. Completely ignorant of climate, context, and social class, beer snobs are contemptuously dismissive of any beer that a mortal cannot walk across like Jesus Christ did across the water. Beer snobs are tedious bores, assuming that any beer which doesn't meet their definition of "adequately pretentious" is drunk out of ignorance.

 

2)      The unfair term given to those who enjoy high quality beer. They are often accused of being snobbish and looking down on others, or are thought merely to drink beer of higher quality than Bud, Miller, and Coors to feel or act superior to their peers. A better term is beer connoisseur.

3)      An unfairly pejorative term for a connoisseur of beer. Understands that not all beers are pale, tasteless lagers.

As you can see, there are multiple definitions, taken from what appear to be, different perspectives. At least Urban Dictionary is being fair and unbiased. Good for them.

 

Another opinion:

 

Here are some characteristics of a beer snob:

 

1)      A beer snob only drinks Belgians, IPA’s, Imperial Stouts, etc. and believes it is beneath them to drink anything else.

2)      A beer snob laughs to himself when he sees someone order anything but a micro.

3)      A beer snob wears designer jeans, a cardigan, a sports-coat, and brand new loafers to enjoy their favorite brew.

4)      A beer snob has never considered home brewing.

5)      A beer snob only orders from the beer book instead of what is on tap, and then orders a round of their favorite Belgian Sour for their friends who don’t know what a sour beer is.

6)      A beer snob is an a$$hole.

Here are some characteristics of a beer nerd:

 

1)      A beer nerd drinks whatever their friends are drinking.

2)      A beer nerd picks the beer with the funniest tap handle.

3)      A beer nerd wonders why they picked the $10 imperial stout when their friend orders the delicious $2 PBR.

4)      A beer nerd wears their favorite brewery T-shirt, Costco jeans, and a sweet pair of tennis shoes.

5)      A beer nerd can brew at home.

6)      A beer nerd asks the Bartender for a recommendation.

7)      A beer nerd buys their friends a round without them even knowing.

8)      A beer nerd is a good person.

By no means are the above lists all-inclusive, or are they universally true. If you’re like me, there are some items on the second list that I would never do. Fortunately for this blogger, I am never guilty of the items on the first list, so I guess that means I am doing a good job of hiding the snobbish tendencies that I probably do have. But if you want to continue to drink good beer only, and not lose your friends in the process, here are a few simple rules to follow:

 

Never:

1)      Say a beer tastes bad.

2)      Complain if the service is slow.

3)      Look down upon someone buying a beer that you don’t like.

4)      Sniff a beer in public.

5)      Tell someone you have a great palate.

6)      Wear a cardigan.

Always:

1)      Offer a friend a taste.

2)      Practice Beer Karma. (buy a round for your friend)

3)      Learn something new about beer.

4)      Ask people what their favorite beer is.

5)      Finish your beer. (Mom says “it’s just polite”)

6)      Try something new.

7)      Tip well. (Dollar a beer is good)

8)      Say Cheers.

Does it bring all the boys to the yard?

Again, not 100% true all of the time, but the majority of the suggestions listed above are good advice for at least appearing that you are not a snob, but rather a nerd, about beer. And if you simply cannot admit to being a nerd because you watched too many 80’s movies and are convinced that the Neanderthal practice of beating-up nerds is correct, you can substitute the words “lover, connoisseur, or enthusiast” in place of the word “nerd.”

 

And remember, in the end, all of this is based on perception. You may not actually be exhibiting snobbish behavior, but may still be perceived that way. The fact is, the craft beer revolution is steam rolling along these days, and like all revolutions throughout history, people on the entrenched side being revolted against are often stubborn and resistant to change until the bitter end. Of course, the other question to ask yourself is, “do I really care what inferior beer drinkers think of me?” If the answer is “no,” then this entire point is moot anyways.

 

Blogger’s Notes:

 

The lists above were borrowed from Seattle’s Beer Blogger in an article he wrote for Primer Magazine called The Difference Between Beer Lovers and Beer Snobs: Which are You? You may have noticed in my tone while presenting his lists that I don’t necessarily agree with him on all points, but his opinion is useful to present multiple viewpoints on the subject.

 

For additional reading on the topic of beer snobs versus beer nerds, I suggest an article written by Frank Kelly Rich for Modern Drunkard Magazine called The Subtle Art of Beer Snobbery. This one discusses beer snobbery in contrast to the much older practice of wine snobbery, and will have you describing inferior beers as “having the nose and character of a harbor-town harlot with a penchant for walking into walls caked with manure.” Great, albeit long, read.

 

Appendix:

 

And if you still aren’t satisfied with this very comprehensive look at beer snobbery and beer nerd-dom, here’s a chart. Why? Cuz charts rock!!! That’s why.

 

 

 

Admin Note:

 

I suppose the inclusion of this reference
permanently cements my status as a nerd

You may have noticed that this blog entry deviates from my usual pattern of Saturday morning releases. Let this be a lesson to never trust your Internet provider. They will inevitably betray you, and they will quote Wash from Firefly as they do: "Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... This Land. I think we should call it your grave! Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Ha ha.”

 

Here’s to craft-brewed happiness… Cheers!