It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine

If you live on the East Coast, and don’t live under a rock on the East Coast, what I’m about to tell you should come as no surprise:

 

FRANKENSTORM IS HEADED RIGHT FOR US!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
 

Outlook not so good

 

That’s the message from the National Weather Service and National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration. Everyone from Virginia to Nova Scotia, and as far west as Pittsburgh and West Virginia need to brace for impact. Not since the storm that sunk the Andrea Gail off the Grand Banks have the weather bugs been buzzing this loudly. Maybe, if we all pull through this, George Clooney and Marky Mark Wahlberg can make another movie called “The Perfect Storm 2: This time it’s personal.”

 

Pretty simple instructions

If we are to face the inevitable, and it actually is as dire as the media pundits and weather nerds say it is, then what can we really do about it? They say be prepared, and I couldn’t agree more. Flashlights, batteries, non-perishable foods, and bottled water are all commonly found in disaster preparedness kits, but in my opinion, they are missing one critical element: beer.

 

If you think about it, beer makes perfect sense. We recently discovered, thanks to glorious research, that a person can survive for quite a while on beer and water alone. A man in Iowa did it for lent last year – 46 days with nothing but food and water. Another guy in El Paso, Texas drank beer and water, and nothing else, for two weeks earlier this year. So it’s pretty clear that one can survive on beer.

 

Not only that, but beer tends to lend itself towards having fun, and if it’s all doom and gloom outside, a fun-inducing drink inside might go a long way towards morale. Beer also leads to forgetfulness, which could be advantageous if things get really bad. Finally, beer makes you sleepy, and sleeping through the storm would obviously not be a bad thing.

 

Boris Karloff has nothing on this storm

Clearly, you’re going to need a lot of beer, depending on the duration of the storm. You would think that this would be an ideal time to lift my ban on fizzy, corn-based, industrial swill beer, so that I could get as much beer as possible for as cheap as possible, but you’d be wrong. The problem with cheap beer is that it lacks the vitamins and nutrients that beer made the right way has. If survival is your thing, this beer simply won’t cut it. If drunken stupor is your thing, you’ll get there a lot faster with good beer. Not only that, but if that is the sound of inevitability we hear outside, and we are all about to cease to be, do you really want your last moments on Earth to be spent drinking bad beer? Me either.

 

And if money is a concern, it shouldn’t be… you can’t take it with you folks, you might as well spend it on beer.

 

What if the power goes out and the fridge isn’t cold?

 

Great point. Add a few bags of ice to your disaster preparedness shopping list and dump them into a cooler where you can put the beer to keep it cold. Obviously, the larger the cooler, the more ice you’ll need, but the more beer you can keep cold at the same time. Also, if your beer is in cans, it will chill faster. Just a thought.

 

One possible scenario

What if the gusting hurricane force winds blow the cooler away?

 

If you have to keep your cooler outside, chain it down, or simply move it inside so that’s no longer a concern.

 

What if I run out of beer in the middle of the storm?

 

The first thing I will say is that you obviously weren’t prepared enough. You have nobody to blame for that but yourself. You do have options at this point: 1) If you have a firearm and ammunition, you could brave the elements and “acquire” more beer from your friends and neighbors. 2) If you don’t have a firearm and ammunition, you could brave the elements and beg your friends and neighbors for some beer (not as effective). 3) You could make your own beer, although the lack of power, coupled with the fact that you’re already in a storm with no beer, plus the fact that beer takes on average 6 weeks minimum to make, could prove problematic. 4) You can suck it up and wait it out.

 

What if a spaceship lands and aliens get out and steal my beer?

 

This is interesting. First of all, kudos to the aliens for landing their ship during Frankenstorm just to steal beer from a human. I like their style. But more to the point, this is another example of why having a firearm with ammunition is a good idea – add it to your disaster preparedness kit as well. If you don’t have a firearm with ammunition, you could try begging the aliens not to steal your beer (not as effective).

 

It's alive. IT'S ALIVE!!!

 

So to recap, your Frankenstorm survival kit should contain the following items:

1.      Copious amounts of good, crafty beer

2.      Enough ice to keep the above beer cold

3.      A cooler or ice chest, to contain the above ice (preferably inside or chained down)

4.      Water

5.      Flashlight with batteries

6.      Firearm with ammunition

So that’s it. With any luck, I will have the pleasure of bringing you more pearls of crafty wisdom next week. But in the event that the bell has tolled for all of us after all, know that it has been an honor writing these blog posts for all of you beer fanatics. Good luck, and keep your head down.

Here's to craft-brewed happiness... Cheers!