What If Santa Is A Craft Beer Drinker?

Jolly Old Saint Nick

I know the premise seems a bit silly, but in the spirit of creative writing and holiday cheer, let’s role with it. Let’s presuppose for a moment that, in spite of the evidence to the contrary, Santa Claus does currently exist as the hallmark cards and Coca Cola commercials depict him – an obese elderly gentlemen with a long white beard, a bright red suit (complete with hat), nine magical reindeer who pull a flying sleigh, elves to make toys for the kids, and that he delivers Christmas gifts to the good children of the world on Christmas Eve. You know – the whole shebang.

Now, let’s picture Chris Kringle up there at the North Pole. Maybe he’s in his living room with a roaring fire going, reading over his list of good children, checking it twice as it were. Mrs. Claus is sitting across from him reading Hunger Games, just to see what all the fuss was about. They’ve recently finished dinner and are settling in for the night. There is a blizzard raging outside, but the fire is making the living room quite warm and welcoming. Now, look at the coffee table between Santa and Mrs. Claus – what do you see? I’ll tell you what I see – an English-style pint glass of oatmeal stout in front of Santa, and a tulip glass of saison in front of Mrs. Claus. Both beers were made by the craft-beer loving brewer elves who work down the street from Santa’s house and workshop at North Pole Alewerks.

An army of brewer elves, who may have had too much to drink

Here’s how I know the Claus’s are craft beer people.

1) Santa, as all the evidence would suggest, is a person of discerning tastes. He wears the finest furs and he lives in a spacious home with all the top whistles and bells. Clearly, if he’s drinking an alcoholic beverage, it will be something of some stature, taste-wise.

Reindeer aint cheap, and I got nine of 'em

2) Santa has means. Aligning with the first point, the Claus’s live a posh manor in North Pole Towne, the largest home in the village. The rest of the residents of the town either work for him directly, or are employed as a result of the existence of his operation. He wants for nothing, as is evidenced by his rotund stature, and has unfettered access to whatever he wants or needs, including delicious craft beer. As I alluded to earlier, there is a craft brewery in North Pole Towne – because we are taking over the earth. Who do thing funded the establishment of that brewery?

3) Look at Santa Claus. A man that large and in charge, living in a place as freezing as the North Pole obviously is – do you really think he is drinking some light, yellow, fizzy, industrial, mass-produced swill beer? He needs something with the bollucks to it. He needs a beer that will warm you up and keep you there. Obviously, his beer needs to be made from proper ingredients, and a fair bit of them too. He’s most likely a stout hound, preferring dark beers like porters and black lagers.

4) Mrs. Claus is obviously running the show. Santa is undeniably the face of the franchise, but his lovely bride is clearly the brains of the operation. She is the consummate tactician, always thinking four steps ahead, and she is savvy enough to know that what her husband does reflects upon her entire enterprise. She is not about to let centuries of hard work and reputation-building be undone by her husband drinking bad beer. She will ensure that he drinks only the best.

You thought he was driving this thing?

5) Rudolf, the red-nosed reindeer. Rudolf is one of the greatest cover-ups in the history of the world. The song indicates that it was Rudolf’s glowing red nose allowing him to navigate through the wintery storm that brought him to the reindeer team and saved Christmas that year. The reality is, there’s always a storm on Christmas Eve – if Rudolf’s navigation was needed due to bad weather, it would've been needed long before that one incident. The truth is, Rudolf’s navigation was needed because Santa was too drunk to drive. He brought in Rudolf so he wouldn't need to drive, and he could drink delicious craft beer all night long to stay warm and pass the time. Rudolf drives, the other reindeer propel the sleigh, and Santa sits back and drinks. Too easy.

Clearly, based on the “evidence” listed above, Santa drinks craft beer. He loves it. So please remember that this Christmas Eve and you’re leaving out some goodies for him – he really doesn't want your milk and cookies – if you want to ensure optimal gifting from the fat man, leave out beer and cheesecake. Good beer too, something dark like a barleywine, stout porter, schwartzbier, etc. You’ll be pleased with the results.

Barleywine and cheesecake never fail

Here’s to craft-brewed happiness… Cheers!