Keys to Winning Oktoberfest

So just in case my failure to deliver a blog post last week means you’re unaware that Oktoberfest started, consider yourself informed – Oktoberfest 2014 is raging in Munich as we speak. And I do apologize for leaving your insatiable thirst for craft beer knowledge unquenched… beer had to be made and the hours got away from me, and my own personal festing may have rendered my ability to write cogent thoughts worse than it usually is.

Speaking of non-cogent thoughts…

Now that you've been freed from the rock you were living under where they didn't tell you it was Oktoberfest, it’s time to make up for lost time. As a seasoned professional, I am here to relay some tips and tricks I've picked up over the years that will help you have a fantastic fest. No charge, because beer knowledge should be free.

The first tip is…

GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE AND GO TO MUNICH, YOU LAZY BUM!!!

The end. Thanks for reading.

Merriment ensues...

But what if we can’t go to Munich?

Okay, so we all can’t afford to drop everything and drink beer in Munich, Germany for 16 days. Fortunately, I have some alternative tips and tricks to make your Oktoberfest experience almost as cool as actually going.

Step 1: Drink German beer

I’ll be honest. I drink American beer pretty much exclusively. In my opinion, we have reached a point in our brewing where we are setting the standard globally for quality craft beer. Even in traditional German styles, there are plenty of good American-made versions that are truly excellent. An exception to this rule (for me) is during Oktoberfest, when I make an effort to drink Märzen lagers that are made in Munich, such as Hacker-Pschorr, Paulaner, Spaten, Augustiner, Hofbrau, Löwenbräu, Weihenstephaner, etc. These are all very good Oktoberfest lagers that will get you in the festing mood.

Step 2: Eat food

I would say eat German food, but the point here is not a cultural one… in general, eat some freaking food. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that they won’t eat food so they can drink more beer and cut down on calories. That’s all well and good, but you’re standing around all day, in the sun, drinking lots of beer… if you don’t eat, you’re going to pass out and become what the Germans call a bierleichen, or beer corpse. It isn't pretty, and everyone will laugh at you. Leave your diet at home and eat some food.

The most direct way to get food into your system

Step 3: Attend a local Oktoberfest celebration

There are three weekends associated with Oktoberfest, and most communities will throw some sort of a festival on one of the Saturdays. In your local area, there are probably a dozen events scheduled that you can attend. They usually include beer (obviously), traditional food, games, dancing, oom pop music, carnival rides perhaps, activities for the kids… a good time will be had by all. And just like at the real thing, the party gets rowdier as the night goes on.

Step 4: Look the part

There are only two times a year when wearing lederhosen or a dirndl is appropriate in public: Halloween and Oktoberfest. They may look ridiculous to the untrained eye, but in reality, they are fun, colorful and a sign that you are here to have a good time. You will be the center of attention and everyone will want to hang out with you… if you wear the authentic gear. But only during the festival… any other time and it is just weird.

Step 5: Buy a cool stein

Serious drinking requires a serious drinking vessel

A person who shows up to Oktoberfest with a stein in hand is a sure sign that they mean business. Steins, much like lederhosen and dirndls, are attention getters. Many are colorful and intricately designed. Plus, they hold at least twice as much beer as a standard solo cup does (depends on how serious your stein is) so they’re functional as well. Everything you want; nothing you don’t.

Step 6: Learn to speak German

I don’t mean attend a crash course or buy Rosetta Stone, or something like that. But do some interwebz searching before going to the festival and learn a few phrases, such as…

·        Prost! – Cheers

·        Ein Bier, bitte – One beer, please

·        Noch ein Bier, bitte – Another beer, please

·        Oans, zwoa, g'suffa! – One, two, drink! (shouted before drinking as a group)

Step 7: Never mind the haters

Haters gonna hate, or at least, so I’m told. They’re just mad they’re not having as much fun as you. Ignore them. Or, buy them a beer so they’ll calm down a little bit.

Prost!

So now you have some pearls of wisdom that I've picked up over the years. These little tips will help you enjoy yourself that much more. It’s not much, but that’s why it’s free. Get out there and march in the Volksmarch, down a litre or two of fine German lager from Das Boot, eat a shnitzengruben (19 is my limit), and shout “Oans, Zwoa, G’Suffa!”

Here’s to craft-brewed happiness… Prost!